i don't care if it hurts...

When you were here before
Couldn't look you in the eye
You're just like an angel
Your skin makes me cry
You float like a feather
In a beautiful world
I wish I was special
You're so very special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here

I don't care if it hurts
I want to have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice when I'm not around
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell I'm doing here?
When I don't belong here

She's running out again
She's running out
She runs runs runs
Run, Run

Whatever makes you happy
Whatever you want
You're so very special
I wish I was special

But I'm a creep
I'm a weirdo
What the hell am I doing here?
I don't belong here
I don't belong here

ecoutez.. ecoutez..

i'm sorta in this funny mood kinda feels like being "lost inside".. and just happened to come across this video.. and it's beautiful..

don't give up, you are loved

good things come together.. (let me brag please! >.<)

Okay.. so today.. after the last lecture of the day, Drama Production,
my editing lecturer from last semester came up to me and said these 3 words that made my eyes shine like the sun...

"Hey, the ACE thing came already..."
he took out a brown cushioned envelope... and i had to struggle to keep back from yelling and cheering in the lecture theatre...

and then i Chiamo came over and gave me my $500 paycheck, which has been longover due, lol... so now i'm $500 richer ^^...

and and and.. k more about the ACE thing..
it's actually the "American Cinema Editors" it's the Editor union in America that covers the rights of editors there... they hold a student competition once every year, and if i remembered right, only 50 people around the globe get to participate.
(awesomeee!!!! :D :D :D)
They send footage, and a script and all the other paperwork regarding 1 scene from something that was shot, and the participant just edits it in whatever way he sees fit.
Final edit's must reach back in sunny California by January the 18th where it will be judged, and the Top 3 editors (and 1 guest), will be invited to California for the ACE Eddie Awards on 17th February, and hopefully get a chance to meet the likes of Steven Spielberg, George Lucas, Francis Ford Coppola, Martin Scorsese, Quentin Tarantino and someone who's work i've recently been interested in Robert Zemeckis who did stuff like Cast Away, The Polar Express, Monster House, ^^...

The top editor will win a Student Award also gets his name published in some sort of Hollywood trade newspaper, which is like a toe into the big film world ^^...

yes.. now that i've explained it all..............

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

lol i've been keeping that in for like forever muahahhaha..

suddenly being sick over the weekend, and still sick now doesn't matter anymore..
suddenly all that other upsetting stuff doesn't matter anymore..

suddenly my work load just increased and i'm beginning to feel the strain Hah!

it's like.. a letter delivered from angel ^^.........

I'm just doing my research.. and i hope i win lol.. cause it means i'll have an excuse to get a Suit WHAHAHAHHA.. hehehehehehehe

for more information on why i'm singing "I should be so lucky! Lucky Lucky Lucky!", look here

au-revoir!!!

so nearly a bad day..

wookay... so i just got up.. started up me lappy.. and.. it wouldn't start up O.O
I was about to go "F^&*!! WHAT THE F%^*&*&" then the doorbell rang.. and i went to answer it.. and it turns out it was my License ^^.. and so i came back.. kinda torn between the 2 emotions.. and i decided.. i'd try the stupid RAM thingum.. the last round me lappy pulled a stunt like this, it was due to the RAM being loose.. and it wouldn't start up..

So i took em out.. cleaned their little gold feet and then popped em back in..
Prayed a little
Close one eye and hit the Power Button..
AND IT WORKS!

So nearly a very bad day *nod*

omg

today was absolutely sheity but it got better towards the end..
The music at Red Camp was simply awesome...
and now i got home.. and it was simply a case of.. The best had yet to come...

LoL SO HAPPY NOW! *EUPHORIC SCREAMING*
Dexian knows of what i speak lol...

bleeding well

bad blood out.. bad blood out..

a good day..

so the day started with the 3 lkks.. 2 lao kok kok and the 'longkang kid' (-.-") so ridiculous lol..

and we had this absolutely insane idea lol.. here's a hint
it had something to do with the 3 of us getting in my mum's car,
driving to chiam's place to get his large bottle of Barcardi..
then buying some Minute Maid orange juice and some pineapple juice and chips,
and drinking everything away.. lol

so awesome.. would have been more awesome if chiam didn't steal my last drink!
ASSHOLE! i was nearly what we like to call the "Ultimate High" lol...
it's the perfect point of being drunk, and being able to enjoy it without "giving a shit" about anything, or anyone else.."
fortunately / unfortunately (pick which ever you prefer).. i wasn't drunk enough to ignore the nagging side of me screaming 'PRODUCTION BEGINS AT 8AM TOMORROW!' YOU HAVE TO DRIVE THE CREW TO YOUR PLACE! YOU CAN'T BE DRUNK!

i so wanna get drunk again soon.. and with a day that i won't have to worry about anything.. it's just about the people you're downing the stuff with.. and the things you talk about..

yeah.. so i only had 2 hours of sleep too.. lol amazing how i lasted through drama production.. it's a wrap! :D hopefully nothing's wrong with the footage or shite.. so tmr is a good rest day and a day for me to catch-up on my Production Planning shite.. and my Scriptwriting online entry.. prepare for french test, and maybe meet dexian about the stupid french thing -.- .. STUPID KNOW!

production later at 7pm -.- ... non-fiction.. gotta cover the handicap girl at this event she's singing at.. omg.. so tired *nod nod*..
and later at night, chiamo and mich are coming over to do some acting at my place.. got all the lights and camera here.. hurhur.. awesome man.. ^^ (love acting)
3 shoots in a day.. beat that lol..

ah it's sad it's sad.. a good day doesn't wipe out the bad ones you've had..
if only life was living a day at a time with no regrets.. Zilch..
i saw this yesterday "La Vie Est Simple"..
i think it is.. if you want it to be...
i think i'm not one of those.. la vie n'est pas simple.. *nod* that's better..

break free..
and do it now..
they're all hard to please..
so just forget how..

tie the laces on that old shoe..
hide the blue moon drops, keep it inside..
cause they don't care to know
they won't care to listen.

words can only say.. so much *sigh sigh sigh*

-----


I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope, and hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart, and when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you, though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic, but it's fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say that I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

:) :/

so i got my license.. only incurred 2 demerit points :D
of all things, for driving too slow
LOL

anyways.. this is gonna be a slightly randomish like post..
it's what you get when you toss something like Sweet and Sour pork..
and all that other clashes in ideas..

people don't do what they say they will.. it's always "with time"
and they wait for a point where.. something happens.. and then they decide
"because of 'that' i don't have to do it anymore.."

driving brings a whole new bunch of problems with it.. one that might force
me into doing something i know i won't fancy doing.. it's almost like
doing something bad, to get something good.. something against all i believe in.

distracting.. disturbing..
how people say one thing and then do something completely different
(this isn't the same as the one above.. there're distinct differences..)

it'll leave you pondering *nod*

but whatever..
drove to dexian's house today.. lol now i know how close qammie and dx leave.. like 2 blocks away! lol..
and i think going to dx's house has just cemented something in me..
the idea that i want a house or my dream hosue.. would be somewhere.. near the beach..
or some sort of lake ^^

his house has got quite a spectacular view.. look past the walls with footprints and soccerball mud marks.. look towards the wind that's tickling your cheeks.. and see beauty... *nod nod*

i wana change the song on my blog now.. but i'm so tired.. another long day tmr..
the work's piling up.. god.. i wish i wish i wish...

This next week and a half will really set the tone for me..
Saturday and Sunday is important.. (drama pro shoot)
Monday is important.. (french final test, presentation.. something else i won't say *snigger*.. rushing out the Scriptwriting online entry i have to do)
Wednesday, Thursday (Non-Fiction shoot.. zomg *faint*.. worried sick!)
Friday.. i might find time to go back to floorball training.. i haven't gone in awhile.. i wanna make the team :(
and i wanna go for Ice Hockey TOOOOO! but now is just such a bad time to get that going..
and i need to buy guitar strings for mich and myself.. GOD!

seeeeeeeeeeeeeee so many things to do :( (and many more... some i'm too lazy to type.. some i just can't remember.. golly an organiser would sure be handy now)

anyways.. Good Night little people of the world :D
(i love driving)

NERVEY!

MY GOD MY GOD! WTF IS WITH THE LACK OF BREATH AND LIKE LIGHT-HEADEDNESS!
CUT IT OUT ALREADY!

it's just a test..
there's nothing more to it..
just driving.. just being a cabby for a day.. listening to what a guy wants.. and helping him decide what is right or wrong.. if it can be done or not..
It's a test of nerves!

it's whether some old guy can trick this youth.. or this youth can out-wit him..
may the young triumph over him (jsut this once please!)

it's just like playing a floorball game...
i still get edgy before the games.. but EVERYTHING IS OKAY
nothing is new..

my hands are shivering >.<
omg i skipped lesson today.. cause i woke up and i was just jumping around everywhere.. and like felt quite tired.. so yeah...
think i shall take a nice long warm shower..
the adrenaline is pumping!

AWARE! BE AWARE MAO!

Vert Parking:
Go more to the RIGHT!
Check Blind before full-locking! so stop the car if you need to!
SLOW AND STEADY!

Parallel Parking:
More to the left would be better...
CHECK BLIND!
Be quick with steering wheel!
SLOW AND STEADY!

Slope:
Check blind before entering!!!
enter at 1st gear baby.. or poor car will die *nod*..
The rest you know what to do *nod*...
APPLY HANDBRAKE!
SIGNAL RIGHT!
CHECK BLIND BEFORE sending this mofo into space..

Directional Change:
make sure the car is centre *Nod*..
signal right
check safety! SAFETY SAFETY SAFETY!
Reverse till kerb nearly hits the point
Then CHECK BLIND
AND GO MAO FULL LOCK!
CHECK REAR SAFETY!
CHEck for returning!
STOP AND STUN THE GUY! WOO!

Stay 10km/h below speed limit..
we dun wanna give the instructor a heart attack now.. *wink* :D

let those nice lovely people of the world cross 2 lanes before turning left *nod*...
Unless it's my dad (WAHHAHAHA)

TH3 'S's

SLOW! STEADY! SAFETY!

A LICENSE! WEEEEE!
okay

i'm screamnig my lungs out to this.. hahaha helps me relax :D :D

warm milk ^^

okay.. so mini update..

watched a show i told myself i would never ever watch in my entire life..
because i heard rumours that some people after watching it couldn't take it and committed suicide.. and because i'm one of those people easily influenced by movies especially... yah.. didn't wanna watch.. or so i thought..

Until today mich and i were looking for a movie to pass the time before my driving lesson and her nra thingum-me-jig.. i pulled out "THE EXORCIST" hahah yeah.. i know

but it wasn't as scary as i thought though hahahahaha.. it's just gruesome.. *nod*.. it's not shocking.. just makes u go Ughhhhhhhhh! *nod*...

so today's driving lesson thingum was alright.. stalled a twice.. but other than that.. pretty darn good :D.. going into tomorrow's test confident *nod*

so busy day tmr.. going school in the morn for Production planning class.. then gotta rush to yio chu kang for my test >.<
School sucks.. they ask for my reason for absence? and i gave them the receipt saying i had a driving thingum..
"Sorry it's not in the system.. So it doesn't qualify"
-.-... can i say wtf? so now my brilliant attendance has been tarnished lol.. awesome..

gotta do make up for drama production on friday.. cause tmr's one will clash with my test.. but no problem.. drama pro with chiamo, jj-double-j-joe-jackson, derrick, qammie and the rest is fun ^^

anyways off to bed.. bonne nuit!

bad day to be with guitars

i'm jinxed today..
every guitar i've touched today.. is in need of new strings

i went to mich's house for a bit after class.. and while tuning her acoustic to high D for the 2nd string (so that i can play Iris -Goo Goo Dolls) i snapped that string... -.-

10 mins ago.. tuning my classical guitar to play the same song.. 5th string to D as well.. it snapped... and i had a bit of an abrasion thing like an ant bite on the finger that was on the string.. NOT MY DAY WITH GUITARS AT ALL!

i need to go buy guitar strings.. for mich, (cause i feel bad)
for myself (because a life without my guitar... is chaos.. no just kidding.. but quite unbearable.. i'm such a boring person as it is)

RAWR!!!

Good Night!

Nor + Man + Balance = ?????

boring CG lectures

library

yes i know the previous post ruined my html stuff.. but nevermind.. lazy to change it..

so driving today was so much better.. like omg better.. honestly.. just need to remember everything i've learnt *nod* i'll probably blog tonight about all the things i should remember.. not now just yet..

so as u should have guessed, i'm in the library... been in here since 11.30 or something.. french lesson's at 1pm.. so another hour to go.. (and i think it's oral test today *nod nod*)

anyways.. i thought up this story idea with aliens in em haha.. and was telling dexian on msn.. and i tell you.. this made me laugh out loud in the library.. and like everyone was staring at me >.< (asshole lol)

Dexian Says: (11:58:26 AM)
and yeah i'll be the alien

mao- Grumps says: (11:58:30 AM)
yes thank you

mao- Grumps says: (11:58:33 AM)
hahahah

mao- Grumps says: (11:58:37 AM)
i was hoping you'd say that

Dexian Says: (11:58:40 AM)
there will be a touching epic scene

mao- Grumps says: (11:58:43 AM)
u shall be the leader of the alien

Dexian Says: (11:58:49 AM)
"WHY DID YOU COME TO OUR PLANET WHY?"

mao- Grumps says: (11:58:51 AM)
your name is SAGOD

Dexian Says: (11:58:54 AM)
".........to hump?"

hahahahhaha freaking stupid right? hahahah... in true dexian style man *rock*

i feel like watching Jurassic Park (hahahah) i don't know why..
I wanna watch a lot of stuff mmhmmmm... (as always no surprises here)

and and and i got new earphones lol.. cause my lovely old orange shure ones died :( .. now the new one is all black.. looks so boring :( :(..

i need to quit eating fast food.. i feel like my arteries are plugged.. with that icky goo.. and watever nots.. imma thinking i should go have a medical checkup or something soon lol.. (just for fun :D) it's always fun to see how healthy u are.. unless of course the results are more to the traumatizing side...

The Best Is Yet To Come! :D

waist deep in shit..

oh look.. this's shit..
i just spent lots of time on shit..
i'm beginning to believe i've been eating shit..
because all the ideas that come out are shit..

shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.
shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.shit.

it's everywhere isn't it.. in my scripts..
in my head..
in the things i say..
everything i do...
one thing is definitely present..

AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sorry.. gotta get it out.. OUT OUT OUT!
FUCK!

----

Death by a Hum

i was walking..
heard a slight hum to my right behind the walls..
i shut my eyes and took a couple of steps forward..
the humming grew louder..
i moved further forward..
the humming grew even louder..
and then i stopped steps before the hum and me crossed paths...

----

WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!?
FUCK!!!!!

n one more thing..

I love Cast Away ^^

o.-

hur i'm learning to play this.. it's actually got the same tune up as goo goo dolls like to have... hurr it sounds okay on my classical... would sound amazing on an electric :D.. *HINT HINT to Leginboulala!!* lol

-----


Looking back I clearly see
What it is that's killing me
Through the eyes of one I know
I see a vision once let go
I had it all

Constantly it burdens me
Hard to trust and can't believe
Lost the faith and lost the love
When the day is done

Will they open their eyes
And realize we are one
On and on we stand alone
Until our day has come
When they open their eyes
And realize we are one

I love the way I feel today
But how I know the sun will fade
Darker days seem to be
What will always live in me
But still I run

It's hard to walk this path alone
Hard to know which way to go
Will I ever save this day
Will it ever change

Will they open their eyes
And realize we are one

Still today we carry on
I know our day will come
When they open their eyes
And realize we are one

Will they open their eyes
And realize we are one
(its hard to walk this path alone
hard to know which way to go)
Will they open their eyes
and realize we are one
(lost the faith and lost the love when the day is done)

Will they open their eyes
And realize we are one

i want to open my eyes..

nightmares and unpleasant ringing..
questions with no answers...

i'm so tired of all this..

the guy in a bear suit

I've had enough
Of this parade
I'm thinking of
The words to say
We open up
Unfinished parts
Broken up
It's so mellow

And when I see you then i know it will be next to me
And when I need you then I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you

Just need to get closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now
Closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now

Keep waking up (waking up)
Without you here (without you here)
Another day (another day)
Another year (another year)
I seek the truth (seek the truth)
We set apart (we set apart)
Thinking of
A second chance (a second chance)

And when I see you then i know it will be next to me
And when I need you I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you

Just need to get closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now
Closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now
Lean on me now

And when I see you then i know it will be next to me
And when I need you I know you will be there with me
I'll never leave you

Just need to get closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now
Closer, closer
Lean on me now
Lean on me now
Lean on me now

Closer, closer
Closer, closer

update

i want to get drunk... now prefarably

i feel like

SHIT! Absolutely sucky... think it's cause i didn't get enough sleep last night.. everything around just feels so F***ed...

I'm moody as a kitty can be..

everything is irritating me..

i was walking home.. and this chubby guy kept running a couple of meters in front of me everytime i overtook him.. how stupid is that?
OI CHUBBY BABA! WHO SAY I'M RACING WITH YOU.. seriously WTF?!
all i wanted to do was have a nice quiet walk home.. after a long dang-diggity day.. stupid idiot RAWR!

and guess what? my iPod ran out of batt.. SAD!
i hit a kerb in driving today.. and that's SAD! freaking disappointing.. A KERB MELVIN! HOW IN HELL DO YOU HIT A KERB?!

i'm disappointed that i still find myself disappointed.. (what a killer cycle)

there's this strange request in me.. but stranger than strange..
stranger than the strangest stranger in a strange strange situation in the strangest place...
it is irritating..

EVERYTHING! IS IRRITATING..

Grump-Wumpy-Lumpy Kitty's got Lumps in those Dumps that go Stump-Stamp-Stomp..

I pray i'll wakey tomorrow.. and it'll all be a bad dream.. but i know better..
waking up tomorrow just makes it a nightmare.. Work Work Work..
I need sleep..
But i wanna watch my new movie (Mission To Mars -Brian De Palma 4.9/10 on IMDB.. WTF?!).. might help me get out of this grumpy-wumpy mood..
or maybe watching it just proves what i'm beginning to believe.. i've horrid taste..

afraid.. torn in 2

it's already begun.. the thing they call ethics...
the decision you make when u're torn in 2 directions...
On one hand.. u can pretend to care.. because all you want is a good show..
on the otherhand.. she's just told you her story.. it may not be her whole story.. but she's also showing suicidal tendencies..

she said "really you're the only one.... am i scaring you off?"
i said "no... I don't scare easy... everyone's got a story.. i'm just the one you chose to told.."

it's hard for her definitely... all the things that are happening..
i may think it's hard for me.. i may have a point..
because i hardly know her.. and for her to share something so personal.. on such short notice.. it almost seems like really.. i was the only one she felt she could tell.. she gave her reasons.. and it just felt more scary.. that if she were to do something stupid.. the thing i couldn't pull of in sec 2.. i'd be linked.. and i'll be scarred for life.. i guess this fear is what wants me to pull back a little.. and not get too attached to the individual..

but this individual is a person.. and it was the last thing i said to her..
"we're all the same.."
whatever i think is hard for me,
is 10 times harder for her..
it's time i quit being selfish.. there is no 2 options in ethics..
i can still tell the story.. without hurting anyone...

i can't help it.. but when i see the fake tears on the screen.... i can imagine many more genuine ones that have fallen or are falling.. even though you don't see them.. inside.. she's breaking down.. crying..
"Can I just die?"
it's something everyone's scared to hear isn't it?
you don't wanna know if someone's committing suicide.. or thinking about it.. death is taboo..
why do we not want to know? i think because i'm scared i can't help.. i'm scared the words i say.. she'll just take as words... that i'm putting up.. an act...

when i heard this song.. i thought of her.. and i nearly cried..
(if i am here for a reason.. this must be one of them.. )

i will not tell you to go some place else at your expense..

------


catch your breath
hit the wall
scream out loud
as you start to crawl
back in your cage
the only place
where they will
leave you alone
cause the weak will seek the weaker till they've broken them
could you get it back again
would it be the same
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense
they tore it down

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

locked inside
the only place
where you feel sheltered
where you feel safe
you lost yourself
in your search to find
something else to hide behind
cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
didn't they see the consequence
they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them till they've become
just another crown

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

refuse to feel
anything at all
refuse to slip
refuse to fall
can't be weak
can't stand still
watch your back
cause no one will

you don't know why they had to go this far
traded your worth for these scars
for your only company
and don't believe the lies that they have told to you
not one word was true
you're alright
you're alright
you're alright

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

saturate

ah yes the weekend is here. and with the weekend comes much needed rest, and like.. time to complete all the work that's been thrown on my lap.
i feel like it's almost to a point where maybe i've bitten off more than i can chew.. (almost..) so i think i'll need to drop some of the stuff.. yeaaap)..

anyways i completely forgot to go meet the ice hockey people tonight lol.. and though i remembered and there was technically enough time to rush to jurong and meet them, i was too tired..
watched the rest of my favorite "The Green Mile" with qammie, chiamo, dxtehsex, tsar and jj-double-j-joe-jackson (rofl.. but he went off on his date halfway.. the currypuff addict haha =P)

i feel this intense need to yell.. but lol if given the opportunity.. i don't know what to yell.. it might all come out like gibberishy and non-sensical ouiii..

(so this is what it's like to put the face on)

i skipped floorball training today too.. just tired.. need rest.. honestly.. dead tired.. next week's not gonna help at all..
driving Monday (morn), Wednesday (eve), Friday (morn).. and they're each 2 hour sessions >.<>.< .. i think she's tired.. and she knows she could have done something about it.. (like quit TAIL-GATING!) but she's doing her denial thing which is typical mummy being herself *shrug*.. (don't get me wrong.. i love my mum) ----- i overheard a conversation between 2 little birds in school.. and it's kind of about the same situation as last sem? i don't know lol.. i found the accusations and what the people said absolutely RIDICULOUS.. but u know.. some people talk more than they should (i do that sometimes).. and some people have a knack for telling really 1 sided stories (which is human.. no one's perfect).. and some people just like to eat up 1 sided stories and start rumors.. and before we know it.. they think they know exactly what's happened when really.. they know shit.. (which is human as well..) all i can say is.. i find it IRRITATING.. and absolutely-positively RIDICULOUS... i don't think politics is the word.. because it's really stupid to be something as profound as politics.. (or is it?) If you're gonna say something, then expect a response.. and accept that a response, good or bad is likely to come... if you can't even get over something as simple as that.. or seriously have too much pride to stand a direct comment.. then seriously.. here's some good advice in the great words of Tom Hanks.. "Go Fuck Yourself" because the world isn't all happy happy and fairy tales.. i f u think keeping someone happy by not giving entirely useful comments is your way of helping someone.. then sorry but you've got s screwed up way of thinking.. Quit beating around the bush, dodging, and hiding all your thoughts about whatever. If you think it sucks SAY IT SUCKS! and then say why.. If someone says your idea Sucks and they say why.. but u didn't bother to listen to the "Why" portion of their comment.. and are too hurt by the "it SUCKS" part.. then "Go Fuck Yourself" If you really can't stand direct comments.. then tell me.. so next time, i'll shut up and let you live your "perfect" fantasy life... and for the rest of your life.. all you'll hear for comments are "That's Freaking Awesome man" :D they won't even have to say why.. because all you care about is what you want to hear... isn't that Awesome?