belief, confidence, trust in oneself...

*Now Playing Lifehouse - Simon*

catch your breath
hit the wall
scream out loud
as you start to crawl
back in your cage
the only place
where they will
leave you alone
cause the weak will seek the weaker till they've broken them
could you get it back again
would it be the same
fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense
left you with no defense
they tore it down

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

locked inside
the only place
where you feel sheltered
where you feel safe
you lost yourself
in your search to find
something else to hide behind
cause the fearful always preyed upon your confidence
didn't they see the consequence
they pushed you around
the arrogant build kingdoms made of the different ones
breaking them till they've become
just another crown

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

refuse to feel
anything at all
refuse to slip
refuse to fall
can't be weak
can't stand still
watch your back
cause no one will

you don't know why they had to go this far
traded your worth for these scars
for your only company
and don't believe the lies that they have told to you
not one word was true
you're alright
you're alright
you're alright

and I have felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same
as you I've felt the same

---------

fought with mum again over me moving out and staying closer to school.. =(
sometimes i just wish she'd understand... how tiring it is for me
with the 15 minute walks out to the bus stop..
the 20 minute waits for buses 70/72
the 20 minute bus rides to yiochukang mrt...
the 25 minute mrt rides to newton mrt...
the 10 minute waits for buses 171/67/170
the 15 minute bus rides to KAP...
the 10 minute waiting time and bus ride time to school with 154/151/74
or the 15 minute walk from KAP to school.. if i need some 'me' time...

the tiring days that start as early as 6.30am and end as late as 4 or 5 am the next day...
can she not see the baggies under these eyes?
how can she not hear my sighs of relief everytime i put my feet up when i reach home..
can she not hear my monotonous answers to her worries on my well-being?

"can you go pack your room?"
"can u help with the chores?"
"have u eaten?"
"u better be eating proper meals!"
"why always come back so late?"
"why always take cab? can u think more about saving money?"
"don't spend too much arr!"
"don't always tire yourself out can anot?"
"u leave the house so early every morning, and come back so late at night.. i hardly get to see u at all..."
"see lah! always go out so late at night! and come back at such unearthly hours! how to be bright and alert tomorrow?!"
"Always sleep your day away! always sleep until 4-5pm then wake up!..."
"Why always go to school?! Didn't you say holidays already?! I thought you want to find a job?!"
"can you hurry go sleep? so late already! and turn that music down before someone calls the cops!"
"Why u wanna move out of the house?! Like breaking up the family with jie in australia and all..."
"I won't be able to see you!"
"What if you do drugs?! HUh?! BEcome an alcoholic?! Huh?! u always go drinking with your friends!? huh?! What if you go mix with the wrong company?! HUh?! what if you get someone pregnant Huh?! never heard of raging hormones isit?! at this age?!......"

i can keep going..
i can't help but think.. if i got an extra hour to live evertime she says something out of those books i'd live to a ripe old age and die, old and crinkled in my rocking chair by the beach.. with my pet poochy on my lap desperately licking my face and barking to try to revive me...

i'm still intent on moving out.. because i've one, completely valid answer to all those questions..
"Trust me mum......"

rock de francaise...

*Now Playing Kyo - Contact*

Aveuglés par nos larmes on devient des pions
Le sort s'acharne au fond quand naît l'opinion
Si la meute t'accepte au final pourquoi ?
Ne pas filer droit, ne pas finir sec, ne pas dévier tes pas
J'veux marcher sans regret, brûler des pages entières
Même semer les secrets, apprivoiser mes peines
Lesté de nos silences j'ai trop perdu ma foi

Aussi loin qu'il le faut j'irai trouver au bout le contact
Aussi loin qu'il le faut j'irai trouver au bout le contact
Aussi loin qu'il le faut

Et l'onde de choc propage le message
Et je quitte le sol l'orage se prépare

Abusés par le calme jusqu'à fuir le front
Jusqu'à l'abstinence au fond jusqu'à l'obstruction
Pour fermer nos sens, sans cesse noyer nos silences
Dans le moindre fracas, dans l'espace de nos corps
Dans le vide sous nos pas
La tête bien dans l'eau j'ai décidé qu'aussi loin
Que supporte mon corps ou plus loin s'il le faut
J'irai reculer mon heure, soudoyer le passeur

Aussi loin qu'il le faut j'irai trouver au bout le contact
Aussi loin qu'il le faut j'irai trouver au bout le contact
Aussi loin qu'il le faut

Et l'onde de choc propage le message
Et je quitte le sol l'orage se prépare

Aussi loin qu'il le faut j'irai trouver au bout le contact
Aussi loin qu'il le faut
Aussi loin qu'il le faut

Et l'onde de choc propage le message
Et je quitte le sol l'orage se prépare

-------------

busy day today... refereeing 4 primary school games at pasir ris primary at 2pm (super farr!!)... but 15 bucks a game is a pretty good incentive hurhurhur...
probably finish around 6pm... heading to check out "Paris Je T'aime" with caleb and dx...
il est une film de francaise, non?
J'aime bien les films de francaise et les chanson de francaise.. oui...

alrighty now gotta go...

j'irai trouver au bout le contact....

and they said,"climb..."

heee feeling the confidence slowly coming back to me...
can finally feel the cool refreshing breeze on my face again...
game against tp was good today though we lost..
think the team played pretty darn good in the last period... yaya..
and i finally have my point! =D (happy happy happy!)
took bloody long enough tskkk.. =X
but i think i might have busted my left shoulder.. feeling kinda twitchy now =/ ..
can't carry heavy stuff hurhur i couldn't even use it to lift my wallet to tap ezlink lahh
(haha k maybe the wallet was heavy for a normal wallet thanks to the stupid coins and the rest of the junk i keep in there for god knows wat reason... *shrug*)

and finally.. looks like the rain clouds have began to clear..
the walls around me are beginning to dry up..
soon...
i will climb back up into the golden sunshine and the refreshing breeze...

there and back again..

hey everyone..
kinda hit a downward spiral point in my life past couple of weeks..
and to prevent myself from posting more emo shite up here i locked my blog..
yaya...
but it's been getting better.. (life that is..)

---------

Downward Spiral...

he watched while waiting for his ride,

he watched the leaves fall from a tree, in a row of tress...

"golden brown snow" he thought to himself...

as the leaves on the tree fell as if it were autumn...

while the other trees arounded still brandished their lush, greenery...

"it's dying, why is it dying"

"why's no one up here... empty seats.."

slouching in his seat he watches things flash past him...

they past, to fast, with no second chance to take note off...

everything's blurring up.. too quick.. it'll add up with everything else that's gone behind...

gone into the back of his mind...

a white feather floats in mid-air right outside his enclosure...

it's stunning weightless beauty entrances him...

it never seems to fall...

never seems to fall to the hard ground below..

'reachhhh...' he heard...

"i can't... i can't reach you...."

'then i'll go like everything else... far behind.. u won't remember i was even here...'

"wait!"

'too late.. u've missed me'

at his destination...

cheerful... a little too cheerful perhaps...

but nonetheless he enters.. unsure and cautious having been away for a long time...

he greets the familiar faces..

and receives stares from the unfamiliar ones...

some smile, some just stare blankly at his appearance in curiousity...

'who is this who wonders in so freely without question?' they must have thought...

up those familiar stairs... onto the 2nd flight looking straight into a mirror at himself..

dull grey... lifeless...

and through doors he knows too well..

wary of the door directly opposite, down the corridor...

his friends of old.. too long has it been since he last saw them all...

ah the memories, all just pages in a book.. piled under pages..

ones with fresh, wet ink...

sharing a pot of warm dinner, chatting about everything and anything...

and then a familiar face... he doesn't even have to look up completely..

he can see her from the corner in his eye..

a past he doesn't want to remember... forced upon him...

everything's coming back to him now...

the past and present.. and the unsure future...

surrounding him.. trapping him in a dark cloud he can't get out off...

dreams and nightmares.. flashes of all that was...

he feels the bitter, golden-yellow liquid's rough texture flow down his throat

as he tries to drown his pain...

"Go away! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

no he still sees those visions.. a splinter in his head..

causing pains in his chest which have now spread over to the right...

"anything! i'll do anything! JUST GO! Pleaseeeeee... "

'they won't go that easily.. ' a wispy voice says..

'no... u've gotta do more than yell and complain my boy..'

"and u? u can help me?"

'oh i can try... i'll comfort you... from within..' the grey smokish ghost says while circling him...

'i will bring you to places you've never seen.. far away from everything else... all u have to do is extend your hand.. and ask..'

"okayy... take me away... take me away from this place..." he reaches out his hand.. ready to receive his freedom...

'hahahahahaha... as u wish..' a rush of grey.. driving straight through into his lungs and heart... encapsulating him in a cell..

'now u're mine... i'll look after you don't worry' the ghost says as a sinister smile spreads from cheek to cheek...

'have you forgotten this place? you've been here before.. hahahahaha'

(a cell phone rings-

"Can i kill you?! Stop it! No more! No More! You've disappointed us! Go Away!")

cold water drenches him.. waking him from his unconscious state...

"No! Where am i? NO! let me out! LET ME OUT!"

the ghost, sitting outside the cell, smoking a cigarette laughs hysterically at him...

*whispers*

"Hello bro? I need to talk...."

a rope drops from above.. looking up he can almost make out a dot of light..

one spot.. of hope.......

--------

thank you

chiam, xiuqi and calvin... =)

*Now Playing 'Mobile - See Right Through Me'*

3rd in a couple of hours.. yes i need a life...

*Now Playing Relient K - When I Go Down*

I'll tell you flat out
It hurts so much to think of this
So from my thoughts I will exclude
The very thing that
I hate more than everything is
The way I'm powerless
To dictate my own moods

I've thrown away
So many things that could've been much more
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

When I go down
I go down hard
And I take everything I've learned
And teach myself some disregard
When I go down
It hurts to hit the bottom
And of the things that got me there
I think, if only I had fought them

If and when I can
Clear myself of this clouded mind
I'll watch myself settle down
Into a place where
Peace can search me out and find
That I'm so ready to be found

I've thrown away
The hope I had in friendships
I've thrown away
So many things that could have been much more
I've thrown away
The secret to find an end to this
And I just pray
My problems go away if they're ignored
But that's not the way it works
No that's not the way it works

Any control I thought I had just slips right through my hands
While my ever-present conscience shakes its head and reprimands me
Reprimands me
Then and there
I confess
I'll blame all this on my selfishness
Yet you love me
And that consumes me
And I'll stand up again
And do so willingly

You give me hope,
And hope it gives me life
You touch my heavy heart,
And when you do you make it light
As I exhale I hear your voice
And I answer you,
Though I hardly make a noise
And from my lips the words I choose to say
Seem pathetic,
But it's a fallen man's praise
Because I love you
Oh God, I love you
And life is now worth living
If only because of you
And when they say I'm dead and gone
It won't be further from the truth

When I go down
I lift my eyes to you
I won't look very far
Cause you'll be there
With open arms
To lift me up again
To lift me up again

-------

if only it didn't hurt that much everytime you fell....

empty jars..

"if i've finished all my cookies can i not go buy somemore?", the little boy asked the world.
'No, you may not', was the reply he got back.
"Why can't i? If it is what i want, why can i not have it? Who are you to stop me? Who are you to say I may not? Why am I even asking?", the boy says with a slightly irritated voice.
'It is not whether or not you want it... And no one is stopping you but yourself... There is no glass between you and the cookies... no physical boundary but the one in your head... Why are you even asking?'

because there are things we will never understand...

----

have i used up all my perfect days? are they all in the past? crossed the boundary between present and history? gone into a book in my mind tucked up neatly into a page that i may chance upon every now and then? and there are others who have more 'perfect days'... why the uneven balance? what do i make of what i have before me? sticks, stones and water? what do i do? what can i do? be creative and do whatever i feel is right? how do i know it's right? how did i learn if it's right or wrong? was it not all from the moment i opened my eyes in a bright room with masked heads surrounding me? what am i doing here?

The Unforgotten

here's the final project i did with my lovely classmates in school...
edited by eugene and bhavani 2 of my crew members
so most of the credit for the video should go to them...

hope you guys like it yaya.. here's the link to it on youtube
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IabrKqI4COE

feel free to post any comments u wish yaya...
and i'd suggest watching it at fullscreen..
(and dun mind the 2 parts when it says "Unrendered" with a blue screen.. it's some human error there that should be fixed soon... yaya)

1st day of many more to come...

yes i'm stressed out..
got so much to do...

let's see..
there's

Slacking...
SLacking
and MORE SLACKING!

Weeeeeee! school's finally OVEr!!! MUAHAHAHA End Year HOLS ARE HEre!!!

*dance around*

already i feel bored.. Rar!
got a floorball match later at tampines sports hall...
at 8pm... o.O *checks clock* it's 2.10pm now... like 6 hours to go..

(bored bored bored)

dreaming

mon etoile fiante,
ma lumière de guidage,
je vous espère séjour avec moi par cette nuit,
et sois là commencer mon jour… journalier.
maintenant et pour toujours…

my star, my shooting star,
my guiding light,
i hope you stay with me through this night,
and be there to start m day... everyday..
now and forever...


things that can't be said because the world would disapprove...

ever changing face...

the little boy looks at the depressing sight of the clock still happily ticking away
even in the midst of all this commotion (6th February 2007, 11am)....
it's the same thing everyday, it's built in calender flips and changes the date
at midnight everynight... and he watches this happen over and over again...

"too fast... why don't you ever take a break?"

'I wasn't made to take a break... i'm here to tell you the world is always changing...
le futur will inevitably become le passe... you cannot stop time...
time waits for no man...'

"i don't believe that.... i don't believe that!"

the little boy covers his ears... refusing to believe the clock.. refusing
to submit to the fact that his world was limited by 3 mechanical hands...

a timer... slowly counting down to '00:00:00:00' (days:hours:minutes:seconds)

'you can cover your ears all you want.. but you're really just wasting 'time'...
your own time...'

he's had enough..
the little boy, determined...
runs to get a chair which he then places against the wall under the clock..
climbing up he removes the clock from the wall...
walking over to his balcony he looks at that ever changing face one last time...
(6th February 2007, 11.09am)...

the little boy let's go of the clock leaving it to freefall down 8 storeys...
right down to the crushingly solid ground awaiting below

--------------

went to see the doc... the pain i've been feeling has nothing to do with my heart...
just some muscuskeletal discomfort or something along those lines
stress.. the cause he told me..

school's over... looks like i've nothing to really stress myself about..
but i can't help but feel... constricted...
trying to contain all my "what ifs"
but i still can't help but let one or two linger in mind...

looks like i'm gonna need more muscle relaxing pill thingums the doc gave me..
i might be here for awhile...

as always... time is running out...

a dedication to all FSV-ians =D

*Now Playing Switchfoot - Awakening*

Face down with the LA curbside ending
In ones and zeros.
Downtown was the perfect place to hide.
The first star that I saw last night was a headlight
of a man-made sky, but
Man-made never made our dreams collide.

(chorus)
Here we are now with the falling sky and the rain,
We're awakening
Here we are now with the desperate youth and the pain,
We're awakening
Maybe it's called ambition, you've been talking in your sleep
About a dream, We're awakening

Last week found me living for nothing but deadlines,
With my dead beat sky but, this town doesn't look the same tonight
These dreams started singing to me out of nowhere
And I don't know if I've ever felt so alive, alive

(chorus)

I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want a heart that I know is beating,
It's beating, I'm bleeding.
I want to wake up kicking and screaming
I want to live like I know what I'm leaving
I want a heart that I know is beating,
It's beating, I'm bleeding

(chorus)

--------------

=D Happy holidays everyone!

the lingering worry in his heart...

Sitting alone with the night breeze in his hair,
he stares into the sky tinged with the orange clouds.
"it's over" he thinks to himself in relief...
it couldn't be anything too serious after all, he hadn't felt anything for 2 days now...
but just when things started to look bright and hopefully...
just when the night looked young and vibrant and he was full of energy,
it came...
it's sucking him dry...
he's walking away.. hiding from others...
they don't need to know...

ironically.. he was thinking about god just before this..
in his random moment in the night breeze...
of how one should try never really to pray for what one wants..
but for others.. who need it more than you..
and as the breeze and orange clouds disappeared,
he's back at where he was...
why was he put into these 2 shoes?
why was he made to feel such things as sorrow and worry?
and happiness always seemed a prod away from falling off and shattering..

the mistakes he's made are to great to count..
and he's been trying to change..
he has changed and still is..
but just a simple case of too little too late maybe?
just a lone figure in the dark they can't see...
a soul powerless to control it's fate..

very sad now.. cause i just told my club mates i won't be able to play floorball fo awhile...
it's the hopeless feeling again...
coming back to haunt me...

it's the same reason he found himself ready to step off the edge..
leave everything behind...
and hopefully.. yes hopefully a fresh start after...