my greatest fear...

i'm beginning to hate falling asleep...
i'm beginning to hate dreaming...
why isit i see the things i do?
the things that drive me crazy, and make me feel like a fool.
why the details?
the painful details that linger in my mind that i see everytime i close my eyes.
why can i not wake before it ends?
it's eating me up inside,
pushing me away to the sides.
i hope you'll never feel the sadness of waking in the morning,
of being all alone, and the silence that come with it.
i hope you'll never wait dearly for things to happen.
they never do. the phone never rings for the right reasons, the rain won't cease,
and no one will be there waiting, with an umbrella.
the secret plans that fail and are then hidden from your sight to protect you.
maybe you won't mind all of this, but the pain i get from it is indescribable.
this is my fear, of being half a world away...

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i saw the little girl cry, and i couldn't help but feel it was my fault and i could have done something.

training later.. finally going after a long absence..
coach will probably kill me... my shoulder will probably kill me.. but i don't want to stay home...
home isn't feeling like it used to anymore..
damn tired but everytime i see my bed i get sick of it.. tskk. *hates*

*tired of typing*