step away...

recently, i've been getting comments like this from my schoolmates.....
"Hey are you alright?"
"Im very scared of you... u seem so stressed"
"You seem so quiet"
"You seem so tired"
"Relax..... dont stress"
u wanna know something? i feel the exact same way about myself....

in April when i first started school i definitely wasnt like that...
i wasn't scary... i wasn't stressed..
i didnt have baggies under my eyes...
i was a "Never say die" person...

im hoping i'll soon return to normal again... but i doubt it will happen for another month or so...
i really dont know...
i really dont understand....

but in all that my life isn't a living hell...
i dont think it will ever go back down to hell....
i was in hell the first 16 years of my life....
but i escaped this year... it left me..
though it tries ever so hard to destroy my peace and happiness...
dont think u know my life until u've lived it....
16 years of torture....
and even if the rest of my life is gonna be torture, i would rather live one happy day to balance the rest...
one bright, windy, orange day where nothing goes wrong... everything is perfect... (i know it seems impossible... but today i "just happen" to hear something i always tell myself)
"if u carry your hope with you, no matter how desperate and tired u are, no matter how defeated ur situation feels, hope will carry through..."

i dont wanna sleep....
i know wat awaits me...
but i know i cant flee...
from the deep
and dark dream in my sleep...


i need sometime alone... im jammed in between...
ive got a difficult choice o make...
My life or My dreams....
How do u choose something so alike? my dreams seem so real...
i really dont know what to choose... why did the 'boss' have to do this?
does he think its fun to see me suffer in confusion?
or is he actually trying to help me see that im confused about possibly nothing...
im nt gonna ask for his voice...
he doesnt speak.. he shows...
and i know sooner or later... i will see the final outcome... though i may nt like it...

ok i think im gonna sleep... i cant do the essay tonight... im simply too tired and confused...
probably do it tomorrow morning... hopefully i'll feel better...

"im searching for Better Days..."