tmr

hmm was sittin in my mum's car after she came to pick me from location scout.. she'd gone to buy some groceries.. leaving me the handicapped slow poke in the car to have some me time.. and it appears i've fallen into a somewhat familiar trap hole.. i've been worrying about the future again.. and what it holds install for me.. i've always had the mentallity that i wanna be more than what i am now, pretty much a nobody.. i wanna do things.. see places.. be somebody important ya know? like some big shot director or something.. it's worrying at the moment.. because i dun really see the path laid out clearly before me.. really scary.. i look at someone like chandler.. one of the lecturers in school.. he's been out in the professional dog eat dog world.. and bcoz he's worked on a couple of bad projects in a row, he isn't doin too good at the mo.. central's showing some singaporean films in view of national day.. and i can't help but think to myself, how the films never make it too far within singapore itself, let alone abroad... singapore definitely isn't one of the better places to do films.. limitation after limitation.. i feel if someone stays too long in such an environment, he/she might get used to it.. and they adapt to the circumstances... they all look the same.. or at least.. those i've watched... it's hard to see a future for me that doesn't involve going overseas.. it's kinda worrying also.. the fact that there's just so many people out there in this world.. so many people doing the same things i am.. huge amount of competition.. and what's gonna make me so different from the others.. hmmmmm depressing right?

at the same time, i dun wanna try too hard.. cause people tend to lose sight of what they want if they try too hard... u forget what u're there for... okay... what am i here for?
amazingly i still haven't got a straight answer for that one...

funny the last time i felt like this, i was worrying about dying tomorrow.. like feeling squeezed because i felt life was too short for my liking.. went the wrong way immediately basically.. rushed myself.. got damn stressed out.. really.. lol life is short.. i still believe so now... loook it feels like only yesterday when i first came into poly.. look now? i'm mid way through 2nd year.. 1 and a half yrs to go.. 2 yrs into ns.. come out a free man able to do watever i want... i look back, and time feels so short.. i look forward.. and time seems just so unbearably long.. 3 and a half years of my life will be gone in a flash.. i'll come out 21 or 22.. that's quite old :( hahaha.. ah at least to me anyway... (I've this fear of growing old >.< .. think it's got something to do with the fear of dying also.. fear of not knowing what's coming)..
ah let's face it.. i'm just scared i'll die a nobody... no one will remember me.. i haven't left even the teeny tiniest impression on the world... and i'll just go.. which just defeats the purpose of putting me here in the first place -.- ... DUN WANT!

i'm not not not not content with wat i have.......
want moreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
it's human nature isn't it? to want moree?
it's not greed (yet).. cause technically i've very very little now...
ah i can keep going on.. cause i'm feeling bloody insecure now.. =/

ah well..

i watched a couple of films today..

1. Moulin Rouge
-seen it before already, but just wanted to relive it.. *loves*
2. Little Children
-initially i wanted to see it because the same actress from requiem for a dream was acting in it.. but then calvin said it was awesome too so watched it.. it's quite nice *nod nod*...
3. Le Papillon (The Butterfly)
-hurrr french film.. on central.. not bad at all... simple story, meaningful.. and i love french accents.. hehehe...

okay here's a line from Le Papillon
".. there cannot be love, without trust. so without trust, there is no love."
don't the french just find fancy ways to talk bout love? lol...

sigh.. worried worried worried, scared scared scared...